Vigilant American Foils Potential Muslim Movie Massacre


FOXNEWS  Holiday Terror Watch 2015– All Burt Shirlee wanted was to eat a tub of buttered popcorn with extra butter and enjoy the new  movie “Krampus.” Instead, he became the latest victim of crypto-Muslim President Barack Obama’s war on guns and Christmas movies.

Shirlee, 52, an unemployed pipe fitter and certified American from Indianapolis was watching the smash holiday hit “Krampus” at the Regal cinemas, when he noticed a dark-clothed man with a “long gun” entering the theater. Rising without spilling his popcorn, Shirlee drew his new slim-fit Glock 43 9 mm pistol which he had purchased legally at a gun show (God bless America!).  Drawing a bead on the attacker, Shirlee quickly fired an entire clip of six rounds, none of which hit the attacker, although one of them struck the left finger of Kay Vardon, 38, who had risen to use the restroom. “I knew I shouldn’t have ordered that extra-large Dr. Pepper,” Vardon said later, as paramedics bandaged her finger. “Ever since I had my last baby, my bladder just can’t last out an entire movie.”

The terrorist attacker turned out to be theater employee Jason Ramos, 17, who had entered the theater carrying a broom and dustpan. “I could be f—–g dead!” he exclaimed, although a FoxNews reporter at the scene was able to explain to him that he was lucky to be living in a country where so many people were armed to protect him against everyone else, because everyone else, from the President to a Syrian child refugee to an olive-skinned person like Jason himself, was a potential Muslim terrorist.

In addition, sixteen other people in the theater suffered injuries, either from the resulting stampede, self-inflicted gunshot wounds, or simply seeing the movie.

Shirlee was arrested by Indianapolis police. “I am real sorry about what happened,” Shirlee told FoxNews. “I will work on my aim and be better prepared for future terrorist assaults. Also, I hope to someday see the end of ‘Krampus,’ so don’t spoil it for me.”




Trump Would Boost American Supermodels


New York — In a candid interview with Billionaire Boys Life magazine, Republican front-runner Donald Trump stressed that one of his first priorities as President would be to increase the supply of American supermodels.

“It’s a national disgrace,” Trump said. “Here we are, a nation of like fifty billion people, which, by coincidence, is also the amount of money I have, and yet all the hot Victoria’s Secret models come from Brazil and other countries that have less money than me.”

For Trump, this is just another example of foreign workers taking American jobs.  “They model our clothes, they marry our Tom Bradys, they become the mistresses of American millionaires. I myself have been forced to boink numerous hot foreign models numerous times, and every one of them was hotter than the next, believe me. And they loved it, because The Donald makes love like he makes money — like a machine. But I’d much rather screw an American any day. If I’m elected, you’ll be seeing a lot more that.”

Trump’s approval rating immediately jumped seven points, his message resonating most with middle-aged white males who feel they would have a shot at nailing a supermodel, if President Obama were not a Muslim.