New York — In a candid monologue with Crossburner Weekly, President-elect Donald Rump divulged that he is considering running for the position of Pope.
“I’ve been doing such an incredible job since my fantastic election,” Trump said, “that the country is already great again. So I’m bored. Fantastically bored. So I’m looking around for other things that I can make great again. Like the Papacy. Or Saturday Night Live.”
Rump stated that he would be “a fantastic pontiff. I look great in white. Nobody looks better in white than I do. I come home from the office and put on my Klan robes and I look totally papal, the most papal ever. White is my best color.”
The POTUS-elect did not believe that being married and a non-Catholic would be an impediment to his winning the papacy. “I wasn’t qualified to be President either,” Rump asserted, “and it didn’t change things a bit. People want change and I can deliver it. We’re going to have way better-looking nuns. Fantastic, supermodel nuns. In thongs.”
Rump concluded with perhaps his most stunning revelation. “I already have God’s endorsement, ” il Dunce said. “I had Him to dinner at my fantastically luxurious penthouse in amazing Trump Tower. Once He saw that I had more money than He did, He got on board. It’s gonna be an incredible honor to have Him working for Me.”
Informed of Trump’s intentions, current pontiff Francis 1 responded, “That culo can kiss my cuppolone.”
Vatican City — At the request of the Holy See, Vatican City prostitutes yesterday exchanged their sleazy street-wear for a day of sleazy religious garb. The request was made in an attempt not to offend the sensibilities of visiting Iranian president Hassan Rouhani.
“It was no big deal for us,” said a Vatican whore, whose name for the day was ‘Sister Maria Humpulotta.’ As the hooker explained, “Most of us have a nun outfit or two in our closets. As you can imagine, there’s a lot of call for that stuff around here. Especially with this being a Jubilee Year and all. San Pietro is crawling with horny pilgrims.”
Hundreds of prostitutes, both male and female, regularly loiter beneath the porticoes outside St. Peter’s basilica, where they pose with tourists, provide practical information about restaurants, museums, and bus routes, or perform sex acts. All are registered and licensed with the Vatican’s Congregation for the Copulation of the Faithful, better known as the ‘Holy Orifice.’
The change of attire didn’t seem to be affecting business. “It’s been crazy busy,” ‘Sr. Maria’ reported. “I had to pop into Clerical Corner for another pair of fishnet stockings.”
In an ironic twist, President Rouhani confided to reporters that seeing all the covered women actually made him feel “like a prophet in a hot tub filled with burka babes.” To which Pope Francis quickly added, “I hear ya, bro.”
Vatican City — Pope Francis yesterday stunned onlookers when he opened the “Holy Door of Jubilee” in St. Peter’s Basilica, then promptly slammed it shut and flipped the deadbolt. Confused dignitaries and pilgrims tapped politely on the door, but the Pontiff refused to open it again, repeatedly shouting, “I’m not here! I went to buy socks!”
A spokesman for the Holy See later offered this explanation: “His Holiness has simply grown tired of being so accessible,” said Cardinal Antonio “The Papal Bull” Fontana. “He is weary of tourists barging into St. Peter’s every day, beseeching him for miracles or restaurant recommendations. He seeks to have once again the privacy to do those little things we all enjoy, such as waxing his crozier or putting funny hats on Michelangelo’s Pieta.”
The closure was deeply disappointing to the hordes of pilgrims who had hoped to pass through the Holy Door to begin this year of Jubilee. “Really a bummer,” said Michael Stith, 22, a student visiting from Duluth, Minnesota. “I missed seeing the Pope. Plus, I thought this was the line to buy Star Wars tickets.”
Asked if Pope Francis had any plans to re-open the Holy Door in the near future, Cardinal Fontana replied, “I am certain that His Holiness may open it from time to time, if only to set out his dry cleaning or fetch his paper off the Holy Doormat.”
Prior to yesterday, the Holy Door was last opened to inaugurate the year of Jubilee in 2000. It was bricked shut in 2001, after Pope John Paul II became annoyed because Jehovah’s Witnesses were always ringing the bell.
Vatican City — The Holy See today released the itinerary for Pope Francis’ planned visit to the United States next September. But in a candid interview with Catholic ET, His Holiness revealed that the itinerary is just the start of his agenda.
“Of course I will carry out my official duties. But it’s already been a long year,” the Pope said, “and I am ready to take off my white shoes and dance. Il Papa is coming to America, baby, and Il Papa plans to party.”
Asked to reveal what those party plans might be, the Pontiff was coy. “Let’s just say that my friend Barack is going to hook me up with some people he knows.” Snoop? Kanye? “Those names have been mentioned,” His Holiness said.
What else was he hoping to do on his visit? “Well, at the very least, I hope to have some time to hang with Jeter. He still owes me for getting him to 3000 hits.” Asked to explain, the Pope replied, “I talked to my boss and Jeter saw a few fat pitches, that’s all. Forget about it.”
And the rumor that he might host Saturday Night Live? “It’s early yet,” His Holiness said. “But I can tell you this much: Lorne saw me do Bernie Sanders. And I killed. I killed.“
Vatican City — In conjunction with his newly-released encyclical addressing climate change, Pope Francis I today announced plans to make Vatican City and the papacy more environmentally friendly. Here are some of the changes already being implemented by the Holy See:
- Instead of traveling by private jet, His Holiness will now be transported by flights of angels, provided the first bag is still free.
- All evidence of sexual abuse by clergy will be immediately composted after shredding.
- Dome of St. Peter’s to be topped by 200-foot windmill with blades featuring St. Peter, St. Paul, and Argentine soccer star Lionel Messi.
- Cassocks and robes, which required frequent dry-cleaning, will be replaced by new line of washable Under Armour “Power Priest Gear.”
- Strobes in Cardinals disco will be 100% LED.
- To conserve water, all Vatican holy water fonts will be drained and filled with molecules of sacred air.
- Vatican gift shops will now sell only relics manufactured by local forgers.
- No more plastic bags at the Vatican 7-Eleven.
- Swiss Guards to replace helmets and halberds with environmentally-friendly straw hats and bamboo poles.
- Ceiling of Sistine Chapel will become bat sanctuary.