Judge Finds In Favor of Brady’s Face


New York, NY — U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman today invalidated the NFL’s four-game suspension of Tom Brady due to Brady’s alleged involvement in the “Deflategate” scandal.

Speaking for millions of American football fans who embrace and/or deny their true romantic feelings for the Patriot signal caller, Judge Richard “I Wannabe Chris” Berman declared that, in his opinion, “no man with such chiseled good looks, a boyish smile, and fabulous hair could possibly be capable of doing the bad things that the NFL had alleged.”

Berman continued, “The league did not present one shred of evidence that could withstand the twinkle in Brady’s eyes. If I had a son, or better yet, a pool boy, I would want him to be just like Tom Brady.”

Sources inside NFL headquarters have said that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who sleeps with a picture of Brady beside his pillow, was extremely conflicted about the investigation. Prior to “Deflategate”, Goodell had often praised Brady as one of the prettiest quarterbacks ever to walk a runway at an NFL charity fashion show or do a spread in GQ.

In a related story, the NYPD has not identified the man who was seen letting the air out of the tires on Roger Goodell’s limo. The suspect has been described as “a tall man with movie-star looks that would melt a blitzing linebacker.” An NYPD spokesman immediately confirmed that Peyton Manning is not a suspect.

Brady To Fight Suspension With Pouty Lips, Bedroom Eyes


New York City — The agent for Patriots QB Tom Brady announced today that Brady will use his entire facial arsenal to fight any suspension imposed by the NFL for his alleged role in the Deflategate scandal.

“Tom is ready to go all in with his with face on this fight,” agent Don Yee said. “The pouty lips, those bedroom eyes, that manly, George Michael scruff — Tom has it all, and he’s not afraid to use it. And don’t even get me started on his hair. Does Roger Goodell have a coif like that? I don’t think so.”

Would Brady even dial up his boyish smile? “Tom’s a competitor,” Yee said. “He’ll do whatever it takes to win…except deflate the footballs, right?”

Yee also promised that Brady would pursue legal action if his entire suspension is not lifted. “We’ll definitely sue the NFL,” Yee declared. “We have complete confidence that Tom would be fully exonerated by a jury of women and gay men.”

According to inside sources at the league office, NFL commissioner Goodell responded to these threats by immediately scheduling a makeover.