Brady, Belichick Beat Ban With Mind Games

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Foxborough, MA — Patriots QB Tom Brady and Coach Bill Belichick are still talking…but it’s all in their heads.

Sources inside the New England Patriots organization have confirmed that — in defiance of the NFL’s ban on communication — Brady and Belichick have remained in mind contact during Brady’s 4-game suspension.

Said an unnamed assistant coach, “Sometimes we’ll be in a meeting with Bill and he’ll go all quiet and get this faraway look and this slight smile — and we know that right then he’s talking with Tom in his head. Or he’s thinking about cutting somebody. That also makes him smile.”

While most of the psychic conversation centers on football, at times Belichick and Brady share funny thought memes involving NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, or simply discuss what makes a good conditioner.

Insiders report that this psychic link actually annoys Brady’s wife, supermodel Giselle Bundchen. “Sometimes we’ll be sharing an intimate moment,” Bundchen complained to a friend, “and, instead of adjusting the straps the way I like them, Tom will be ESP-chatting with Bill about the Dolphins blitz package. And, when Tom wears his helmet, it gets even worse!”

The NFL has allegedly investigated these rumors, but to date they have picked up little from Belichick’s brain except traces of rapper Chamillionaire’s 2006  hit “Ridin'”.

 

Brady, Manning Anxious About Post-Game Kiss

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AP — As quarterbacks Tom Brady and Peyton Manning prepare to face off once again in this Sunday’s AFC Championship game, what is their biggest concern? The defenses they will face? The weather in Denver?

“That post-game kiss,” Manning says, with a wry smile. “We’ve been doing it now for I don’t know how many years, and it still makes me nervous.”

Brady echoes the thoughts of his rival. “It’s still kind of awkward, even though we’ve tried to practice it off the field. Do I go right or left? Do I take his hand at the same time? Will there be tongue?”

Manning admits that, any time he faces the Patriots, he spends hours reviewing tape of past smooches between himself and Brady. “You’re always looking for a little advantage. Like, does Tom close one eye or both before he leans in? Does he leave his helmet on? Details like that can be the difference between a good kiss and a season-ending lip injury.”

Manning has long been considered one of the greatest regular season post-game kissers, but in the playoffs, his lips have often let him down. “His lips get dry and chapped in the post-season,” said an NFL scout, “whereas Brady’s lips are always smooth and baby soft, even outdoors in January.”

“I have to go easy on Peyton now,” Brady says, with a grin. “It used to be, after we’d shellacked the Colts yet again, I’d bend Peyton backwards and really lay one on him. But that was before all the neck surgery. Now I usually just kind of brush his lips with mine.”

Neither quarterback feels that these concerns distract from their actual game preparation. “Belichick’s already stolen whatever game plan we have, plus all my signals and audibles,” Manning concedes. “I think he even has my Netflix password. Anyway, there’s really no point in practicing football.”

“Yeah, Bill will give me the game plan this week, blah, blah, blah,” Brady says. “It’s always the same: Cheat better.”

It’s been reported that the Patriots are preparing for Manning by putting back-up QB Jimmy Garoppolo in a wheelchair and making him throw with his left hand.

“I just hope Tom shaves before the game,” Manning adds. “Giselle might like kissing that scruff, but I don’t.”

 

Nation Shocked By Players Pointing Fingers, Exchanging Words During NFL Game

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AP — NFL viewers sat in stunned disbelief last night as they watched players pointing at each other and exchanging words during the Patriots – Texans game featured on NBC’s “Sunday Night Football.”

“It saddens me — and really, ALL of us,” said NBC announcer Al Michaels, “to see two teams of men, who are trying their best to dismember each other, using rude gestures and hurtful words.” Added fellow commentator Cris Collinsworth, “If I could switch over to ‘Masterpiece Classic’ right now, Al, I would.”

Patriots QB Tom Brady was unapologetic. “Yes, I did point at them,” he admitted. “And I don’t regret it at all. The Texans weren’t being very nice. One of them even used the D-word” — referring either to the Deflategate  scandal or Brady’s less-well-known dandruff issues.

Texans star J.J. Watt, who was involved in an altercation with Patriots receiver Danny Amendola that actually led to shoves, refused to reveal what Amendola said to him during the dust-up. “Let’s just say that it hurt me more than when I slammed my broken hand into LeGarrette Blount’s kidney,” Watt related.

The NFL acknowledged that this was not the first time that players had said unkind things to each other during a game this season. “We are aware of the problem and are doing everything we can to address it,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said. “Rest assured, our primary focus is always to protect the feelings of our players. There’s no reason you can’t dislocate someone’s shoulder and remain respectful about it.”

NBC announced that, in the future, it would make every effort to show only the physical violence of the games, plus some hot cheerleaders.

 

Goodell Hopes Pope Can Exorcise Belichick

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New York City — Commissioner Roger Goodell today told reporters that the NFL has high hopes that Pope Francis will have time during his U.S. visit to perform an exorcism on New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick.

“At this point,” Goodell said, “we are 99% certain that Belichick has been possessed by one of Satan’s minions, or perhaps even Satan himself. Probably the latter. I mean, this guy is off-the-charts evil.”

The NFL has already presented the evidence of possession to the Pope’s emissaries. The evidence is said to consist of the Spygate and Deflategate material, along with the unholy circumstances surrounding the infamous “tuck play” that eventually led to the Patriots’ first Super Bowl title. There is also a page from the Patriots playbook which reveals that their “Hail Mary” pass play is called “The Hitch and Go to Our Beloved Master, the All-Conquering Prince of Darkness.”

An unnamed Vatican source, however, has stated that the Pope is unlikely to gratify Goodell’s request. “His Holiness will be very busy during this visit,” the source is quoted as saying. “He already must face the U.S. Congress. How many demons can one Pope handle?” Besides, the source continued, “Francis has Tom Brady on his fantasy team. No way is His Holiness screwing with that.”

New England has historically been an area plagued by demonic infestations, as evidenced by the notorious Salem witch trials and the popular TV show Murder, She Wrote, starring Broadway, film, and TV icon Angela Lansbury.

Trump Would Boost American Supermodels

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New York — In a candid interview with Billionaire Boys Life magazine, Republican front-runner Donald Trump stressed that one of his first priorities as President would be to increase the supply of American supermodels.

“It’s a national disgrace,” Trump said. “Here we are, a nation of like fifty billion people, which, by coincidence, is also the amount of money I have, and yet all the hot Victoria’s Secret models come from Brazil and other countries that have less money than me.”

For Trump, this is just another example of foreign workers taking American jobs.  “They model our clothes, they marry our Tom Bradys, they become the mistresses of American millionaires. I myself have been forced to boink numerous hot foreign models numerous times, and every one of them was hotter than the next, believe me. And they loved it, because The Donald makes love like he makes money — like a machine. But I’d much rather screw an American any day. If I’m elected, you’ll be seeing a lot more that.”

Trump’s approval rating immediately jumped seven points, his message resonating most with middle-aged white males who feel they would have a shot at nailing a supermodel, if President Obama were not a Muslim.

Judge Finds In Favor of Brady’s Face

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New York, NY — U.S. District Judge Richard M. Berman today invalidated the NFL’s four-game suspension of Tom Brady due to Brady’s alleged involvement in the “Deflategate” scandal.

Speaking for millions of American football fans who embrace and/or deny their true romantic feelings for the Patriot signal caller, Judge Richard “I Wannabe Chris” Berman declared that, in his opinion, “no man with such chiseled good looks, a boyish smile, and fabulous hair could possibly be capable of doing the bad things that the NFL had alleged.”

Berman continued, “The league did not present one shred of evidence that could withstand the twinkle in Brady’s eyes. If I had a son, or better yet, a pool boy, I would want him to be just like Tom Brady.”

Sources inside NFL headquarters have said that NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who sleeps with a picture of Brady beside his pillow, was extremely conflicted about the investigation. Prior to “Deflategate”, Goodell had often praised Brady as one of the prettiest quarterbacks ever to walk a runway at an NFL charity fashion show or do a spread in GQ.

In a related story, the NYPD has not identified the man who was seen letting the air out of the tires on Roger Goodell’s limo. The suspect has been described as “a tall man with movie-star looks that would melt a blitzing linebacker.” An NYPD spokesman immediately confirmed that Peyton Manning is not a suspect.

Brady To Fight Suspension With Pouty Lips, Bedroom Eyes

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New York City — The agent for Patriots QB Tom Brady announced today that Brady will use his entire facial arsenal to fight any suspension imposed by the NFL for his alleged role in the Deflategate scandal.

“Tom is ready to go all in with his with face on this fight,” agent Don Yee said. “The pouty lips, those bedroom eyes, that manly, George Michael scruff — Tom has it all, and he’s not afraid to use it. And don’t even get me started on his hair. Does Roger Goodell have a coif like that? I don’t think so.”

Would Brady even dial up his boyish smile? “Tom’s a competitor,” Yee said. “He’ll do whatever it takes to win…except deflate the footballs, right?”

Yee also promised that Brady would pursue legal action if his entire suspension is not lifted. “We’ll definitely sue the NFL,” Yee declared. “We have complete confidence that Tom would be fully exonerated by a jury of women and gay men.”

According to inside sources at the league office, NFL commissioner Goodell responded to these threats by immediately scheduling a makeover.

Goodell: Brady To Face Raptors in Fight to Death

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NFL Throne Room, New York — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced that he is rescinding Patriot QB Tom Brady’s four-game suspension for his part in “Deflategate.” Instead, Brady will have the chance to prove his innocence by surviving a fight to the death with a pack of vicious velociraptors.  Brady will face the deadly dinosaurs armed only with his rifle arm and a bin full of footballs, all of them inflated to approved NFL specifications.

According to Goodell, the trial will take place Sunday, July 19 at AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas. FoxSports will televise the event, with Joe Buck and Troy Aikman providing the commentary, along with a special pre-game performance by Britney Spears.

Asked about Brady’s chances, ESPN NFL analyst Jon Gruden stated, “I like Tom Brady. Always have. Let me tell you, that guy is one great football player. I mean, nobody plays the position at a higher level than Tom Brady. But he’s a dead man.”

At a joint news conference with Pats Coach Bill Belichick, Patriots owner Robert Kraft said, “We stand behind Tom Brady one hundred percent. But I have seen Tom run, and I am putting my money on the raptors.” Added Belichick, “Basically, this will save me the trouble of cutting him.”

Brady is reported to be in Brazil, training for the contest with Chris Pratt, star of the mega-blockbuster hit Jurassic World (in theaters everywhere).

Nats Stunned By Flag On Brady First Pitch

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Boston — The Washington Nationals learned a hard lesson at Fenway Park yesterday: Tom Brady gets protected everywhere.

“Mr. Perfect” Brady’s ceremonial first pitch was less than that–low and away to designated catcher David Ortiz, who snagged it on one hop. But it was the Washington Nationals who suffered, as they were immediately flagged for roughing the Patriots star quarterback.

“We weren’t anywhere near the guy!” Nats manager Matt Williams complained. “We weren’t even on the field!” But the umpires patiently explained to the Nats skipper that “The Brady Rules” apply everywhere, not just on the football field. “They told me waiters get ejected just for breathing on him when they serve his ground rhino horn soufflé,” a baffled Williams said.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell confirmed that the Nats’ penalty was totally within the officiating guidelines for anything involving Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers or any of the league’s marquee quarterbacks. He added that the NFL is so powerful that all other sports have to do what he says or he will come down on them as hard as Mel Kiper’s hair.

In a related story, Patriots coach Bill Belichick, who was on the field with Brady, stated that, to the best of his knowledge, he did not tamper with the baseballs.

The Red Sox beat the Nationals, 9-4, in large part because the roughing penalty forced the Nats hurlers to pitch from center field.

Pats Use ‘Inviso-ball,’ Crush Seahawks

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Feb 1, 2015 — The Seattle Seahawks never saw this coming…or going…or at all.

The New England Patriots, armed with malevolent Bill Belichick’s latest, highly-suspect innovation — the “Inviso-ball” — routed the Seattle Seahawks, 122-35, securing a fourth Super Bowl ring.  The “Inviso-ball,” which could only be seen by Patriots players and coaches, completely befuddled the Seahawk defenders, who later admitted that they had not game-planned for “no crazy-ass ghost ball.”

Patriots QB Tom Brady, named Super Bowl MVP, logged a record-setting performance, including an astounding 17 TDs and 45 of 46 passes completed.  Brady’s only miss occurred with 6:14 left in the game, when he informed the refs that he had thrown a ball completely out of University of Phoenix stadium. “Got a little too amped up on that throw,” Brady explained after the contest. “I really should have completed it. The receiver was open. We just weren’t on the same blank page.”

NBC announcers Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth continually raved about Brady’s exploits, Collinsworth calling it “probably the greatest performance I have ever not really witnessed.”

The satanic Belichick added to Seattle’s confusion by employing anywhere from 5 to 15 eligible receivers on every play, leaving the Seahawks’ vaunted “Legion of Boom” thoroughly exasperated and overmatched.  CB Richard Sherman expressed the frustration of his fellow defenders, saying, “I don’t care what the stats say, man. I know I intercepted five or six of them invisible passes. I’m All-World. Pats ain’t s–t.”

In desperation, the Seattle defenders began tackling any and every Patriot player, including those on the sidelines. This led to a rash of penalties totaling 630 yards, a Super Bowl record. In contrast, the Pats were flagged twice for being offsides and once for acting all “lah-dee-dah.”

The freedom-hating Belichick did not take his foot off the gas until late in the fourth quarter, when, with a comfortable 119-28 lead, Pats’ kicker Stephen Gostkowski attempted an invisible 83-yard field goal, which apparently split the uprights. “That might have been good from 93,” Al Michaels observed.

Seattle coach Pete Carroll repeatedly protested the Pats’ use of the invisible ball. However, after a one-hour confab at midfield, the officials declared that there was no rule that specifically prohibited it. At the post-game press conference, Carroll admitted that the Seahawks should have brought their own invisible balls to use in the game.  “It was just an oversight,” Carroll said, going for a laugh. “Our players are as good as anybody at playing with invisible balls. We’ll learn from this and move on.”

Regarding his latest shady stratagem, the Ebola-loving Belichick said, “It’s in the rules. Or it should be. Basically, I ignore the rules anyway. The rules can bite me. We’re on to DisneyWorld.”