Italy Completely Sold Out For 2015

640px-Colosseum3_11-7-2003 ROME — The Italian Ministry of Tourism announced today that the entire country of Italy is sold out for the remainder of 2015.  “The unprecedented interest in touring Italy this year has caught us all by surprise,” stated First Minister of Tourism Aldo Venucci.  “It has completely overwhelmed our hospitality industry. There are no beds left! None! When Chancellor Merkel visited last week, she had to sleep in the Prime Minister’s bathtub. I myself will have a family from Arkansas sleeping in my car for the entire month of June.”

Travel experts attribute the sudden crush of tourists to several factors, including the World’s Fair in Milan, the strength of the U.S. dollar overseas, and the resurgent career of actor Tony Danza.  In addition, the Vatican has launched an intense marketing campaign, which has paid off like Bing Crosby in a cassock.

“The Roman Curia knows how to make a shekel, if you’ll forgive my saying so,” Venucci observed. “The deals they are offering are insane. For 300 euros per night, you actually get to sleep on the sofa bed in His Holiness’ papal apartment. For 400, you get the bed and His Holiness sleeps on the couch.  And if you upgrade to the Platinum Papal Plan, you get the bed, a continental breakfast, and 15 minutes of infallibility. The phones were ringing off the hook!”

While the Italians have begun a massive hotel-building program, the work has been repeatedly halted by the discovery of ancient Roman ruins or the bodies of a lot of guys named Cheech and Enzo that nobody knows nothing about nohow. “If you still want to visit Italy this year, you should get on a waiting list,” Venucci suggested. “I hear that San Marino is opening a new Days Inn. And there’s a rumor that  George Clooney just purchased a futon for his villa on Lake Como. If Matt Damon isn’t using it all summer, you might get a spot there.”

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Things to Know Before Your Trip to Italy

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  • All Italians understand English, if you speak it loudly enough.
  • If they didn’t want you to take home a piece of Pompeii, they wouldn’t have bothered digging it up.
  • Your admission ticket gives you the right to touch all of the statues in the museum.
  • When a sign says “No Photos,” there is always an implied “unless you have a camera.”  According to international law, you can take a selfie anywhere.
  • Those Swiss Guards at the Vatican? Just actors in funny costumes, who love it when you roughhouse with them.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for a “real cup of coffee.” Those tiny coffee cups are a relic of the 16th century, when the average Italian was two and one half feet tall. And be sure you say “Expresso,” which is the accepted, i.e. American, pronunciation.
  • Most Italians are lazy. They only appear to be working hard, because they need the money to feed and clothe themselves and their families.
  • Venice is a beautiful, romantic city, but the one in Las Vegas is newer, plus you can go  see Britney Spears.
  • If an Italian restaurant does not sell hamburgers, it is probably a tourist trap.
  • Italians must greatly admire our Prego brand pasta sauce, because they mention it all the time.